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Who am I? [Jan. 27th, 2008|07:50 pm]
I don't know.

I don't know how to find out.

I don't know how to find my talents.

Or us them properly...

Why can't life be easier.

Why can't I be happy and liked.

I know that is so lame...but I need that...I need people to love me...and I need to know that I am good at something.
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(no subject) [Nov. 27th, 2007|10:27 pm]


seriously...every guy I have had any feelings for this year has turned out to be gay?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! Well accept for one...but I don't like him he's annoying as hell...but I still talk to him...so maybe I do have feelings for him...I DON'T EVEN KNOW! But nothing would go anywhere with that even if I did like him! All I want is to be like and chased and caught and loved and held and BAH!!!! It has been way too long since I've gone on a date...since I have even been asked! And it is the only thing I can think about. am I really that ugly? annoying? weird? I don't get. I just don't get it! I just feel like shit...and I feel like God is just messing with me and mocking me...or maybe I don't want to be caught...maybe I just want to flirt with a whole bunch of them...but I don't even have anyone to flirt with!!!! THAT'S ALL I NEED!!! I need a good party to go to...but I'm not really in that crowd right now either! BAH! AND I LOOKED CUTE TODAY TOO! for once...and I saw no one!

I need a hug.
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I wish I could do everything... [Nov. 27th, 2007|07:25 am]
Things I want to do sometime in my life (some WAY sooner then others!)
-fit into a size 7 jeans comfortable...weight around 130lbs...and muscle and rock hard abs included... :) meaning cutting my food intake down...22 points a day...I can do it...I just have to choose to want to do it.
-find a summer job with decent pay and that is fun and worthwhile.
-Dance on pointe again.
-actually learn to play the viola...well
-run for 2 miles without getting pooped out
-practice piano every day and teach myself to be a better musician
-go on a date!!!!!
-be a bride's maid :)
-Disney internship???
-or study abroad in England
-or study nationally in new york
-take voice lessons again and actually practice and attempt to get better! lol
-pay my parents off for my car
-become a fitness teacher.
-perform somewhere really sweet
-become semi-famous
-mad dinners actress
-learn to tap dance again
-get a bikini wax
-donate my hair to locks of love
-learn social partner dance....or any partner dancing in general
-travel the world
-learn to cook
-learn to sew
-make my own outfit
-paint a picture for my grandma
-go back to disney world with all my friends
-live in chicago
-conduct a high school color guard
-direct my own play
-write inspiring poetry or prose
-learn to play the sax
-get my own doggie
-ride a horse by myself
-make a snow sculpture
-build a house for habitate for humanity...or something of that nature
-sleep in silk pjs! lol
-get a pedicure
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No need to read...this is just another rant! [Nov. 4th, 2007|09:55 pm]
So I'm not really even sure what I want to type. I just know that over all I am unhappy. I am unhappy with my dancing, with my friends, with school work, with my love life (or lack of), with my attitude.....yea alot of things.

First off, lately I feel really disconnected to some of my closest friends. Some of them I feel like they are ignoring me and I am just bugging them for attention. Others I cannot stand and everything they do and say makes me want to scream. I don't know why this is. It makes me mad that I am upset with these people. I don't know what to do about it.

Then there are the "friends" you know those people who you keep saying lets hang out and call me if your bored...and they never do. Does that mean they don't want to be friends or is it just a well I don't want to be close friends, because they still talk to you when it comes to school stuff and what not. I don't know...people are confusing and hard to read.

Then there is the whole i-wish-I-had-a-boyfriend thing. Seriously I feel like i spend so much time thinking about how I really wish I had one. Or even just a make out buddy and terrible as that sounds. Because really I don't even have time for a signifigant other. I just want attention and to be touched and wanted and yea...it is soooo LAME! I hate myself for it...why do I need that? I should need someone else to get by in life! BAH! Then I find myself possibly pursueing things that I don't want, but just because I get attention. It is like a game! IT IS TERRIBLE! I hate myself! Just one question...when is it my turn?

Then the whole dancing thing I won't even get into because I just get more steamed everytime I think about it! It also reminds me how fat I've gotten and how I have no self control and can't stop eating.

I have nothing to look forward to in the rest the semester...just an ass load of work. I just want to go home and see my puppy!
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Life [Oct. 16th, 2007|02:21 pm]
I kind of want to start journaling on a regular basis again. So here goes nothing....

I was in ISU's production of The Who's Tommy and it just closed on Sunday. We started rehearsals the first day of classes and I had been preparing since the end of last school year. I am so glad I made it because seriously I will never be able to work on a production that amazing ever again. I think a lot of people think I'm over dramatic saying that but it is true and you just can't understand unless you were apart of it. Like I will try to explain, but it won't measure up to how amazing I felt after each rehearsal and show. First of all, the people (cast, crew, band, tech, director) are all so fricken talented. I am just blown away sometimes that I am working with them! Like I know a few of them will be famous some day...no doubt. Then after really become familiar with the script and the songs I really appreciate the story and message put forward...oh and ps I LOVE THE WHO NOW! HAHA! Another big reason it is making walking away from this production so hard is that the people I worked with were so amazing and worked so well together. Not that I was best friends with everyone, but for the first time I felt like everyone knew my name and my face and at least knew a little about me. And it just wasn't the cast, but the band, crew and cast were all a team and not separate pieces like they usually end up being. It was such a cool thing to see everyone so welcomed and accepted. Then you know the fact that the last 2 show we SOLD OUT helped so much! I loved rushing around backstage and being crazy and dripping with sweat at the end! But the best was on the last Saturday show, after an almost flawless run, where a lot of people came to see me friends and family included, and before we even turned around in the final everyone in the audience was on their feet! I fricken got tears! that was so amazing! Everyone was rocking out and we looked amazing and the band was awesome and we ran off for curtain call and pass through our crew just screaming...best feeling in the whole world! I was on a high all night! On top of the world! Nothing could get in my way or anyone elses...that night and sunday night were just perfect. I wish I could bottle up that feeling and those moments forever! And then pull them out for times like right now when I am feeling like crap, sad that the show is over! And seriously if I could I would just perform this and rehearsal this for the reast of the semester. Which is making me think more and more about double majoring in acting. This semester more and more I've been feeling like maybe I have talent...maybe I can make the cuts...for the first time I feel good! I don't know but it is a pretty awesome feeling! I've just been getting fantastic feedback about my performance in Tommy and from my acting and oral interp teacher with my work in their class and on my audition piece. Why can't I do it? I am really finding myself and letting go. I don't want to be shy forever. And I just love being on that stage and being with people who have all this passion and excitement for art and creativity.

As far as other aspects of my life go...I am not a good student anymore...haha I care way more about my performance and rehearsal then homework. But don't worry I am not failing!

I got into ISDT, but I don't really like it. I've just come to the conclusion that pretty much all dancers are bitches who are full of themselves. I am very disscouraged right now.

I also am doing Belle Voix women's choir...I still suck at singing and have put it on the back burner with Tommy and all.

I am going to join weight watchers online soon...I want to lose 30 lbs by next year so yea.

No boys. I keep meeting gay ones...not straight ones. I am lonely, but at the same time i have no time for a relationship. I just gets to the point were I really miss being hugged and held and wanted. I miss the attention and the flutter you get in your heart. But I will live.

For now I am off to class.

I will type more later!
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(no subject) [Jul. 12th, 2007|02:43 am]
my heart just sunk...

why am i always just the friend?

they never find me attractive or adorable or dateable...just my friend...and im the loser standing in the corner for entertainment.

i shouldnt be upset...after all i said i didnt want anything for a few years so i could focus on me...but man i thought for a min i had something.

fuck it.
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sigh...sometime people make me sick! [Apr. 29th, 2007|08:10 pm]
So certain people drinking doesn't bother me anymore...I guess b/c once you're in college everyone does...but I have a friend who like myself doesn't drink...but this whole year she's been making comments about getting drunk and how she just should drink b/c she's so busy and whatever...and lately I think she just feels like a loser b/c she doesn't drink and go to parties b/c that's all she talks about. So this weekend she went to visit someone kept telling me well my sister says I have to drink this weekend...so i have to. I said no you don't...you can go to parties without getting drunk...it is possible! But she did...and I'm kinda pissed. I shouldn't be...but I am. It just makes me mad that people feel they have to drink in order to be someone...or offically be in college...or they have to prove something to someone...or I don't know! This yea I have had a sip of a beer and a sip of wine...both to make people shut up and stop bothering me...and I've had a great time.

On the other hand I also get ticked when people look down on me for attending a party, saying I will drink...I'm a big girl...if I want to I will...and if I don't I won't. Not that I party much...I've only been to 3...4 will be Saturday if I go to band house...but I won't drink.

So people of both extremes find your happy medium...b/c you both are really stupid right now!
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This is just random thoughts... [Apr. 28th, 2007|10:59 pm]
So I just deleted my myspace...and all the notes I posted last year. I read alot of them...and it's funny to think back to then and wonder if you would have acted differently if you know what was in the future or how it would all work out. It's also so weird to remember different events and feeling that were so important at the time and you vowed to never forget...and now its just a faded memory. It's kinda scarey if you think about it. Some of it I wish I could go back and change...but I guess at least I'm happy now...right? Well more like content.

I went threw alot last year...and alot of it I plowed threw all by myself...last year was really hard. It really didn't turn around until the spring and even then it wasn't that great...idk.

for the most part high school wasn't bad. i think the end of sophomore year and beginning of junior year and very end of senior year were the best times...i wish i could go back to some of those times. those where some great memories...i miss those people too...i still think about them...its kinda hard not to.

but i love college...and i cant wait till next year...i wish i hadnt wasted my first semester not getting to know people...i know the next 4 years are going to fly!

and yay for summer in less then 2 weeks! it's going to be crazy! but at then end i will be rich, thin, muscular, confident, a better dancer/singer, stronger, and ready to come back for the wow factor! haha! and TRY OUT FOR TOMMY! woot! losing weight is going to be so hard...but this time im going to do it! im getting a trainer...and pushing my lazy ass! SO BRING IT ON!!!! I CAN DO THIS!!!

here's a good quote i found...kinda random but i like it:

Fear less, hope more.
Eat less, chew more.
Whine less, breathe more.
Talk less, say more.
Hate less, love more.
...And all good things are yours.

I really need to follow some of those...

God high school really was a long time ago...things really have changed...a lot. i never thought it would turn out like this...and it's going to keep changing...

i love the last five years btw...i think its a good representation of that last comment...
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Some recent rambles... [Apr. 25th, 2007|07:05 pm]
I know I already posted today, but I feel the need to share this quickly.

1) Women make up some of the stupidest, bitchey, terrible people in this world.

2) I cannot believe that I feel like I have to lock everything in my closet when leaving my room.

3) I'm growing...even as close as last month I would have been crying and freaking out and stuff...but right now I'm just like "hun...well that's stupid....fuck you."

I know I act really stupid sometimes, but I'm a lot smarter then you think.

Just try me!
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Musicals... [Apr. 25th, 2007|02:13 pm]
So I know only about 2 people read this...and that's cool, because I don't really care if people are reading my rambles...but I find that when I do ramble about most of the time meaningless things I end up feeling better. I've always tried to write in a journal, but it just isn't as convinent or fun as writing on here...plus I always end up feeling like a looney b/c I don't know who I am writing to in my journal...lol! So basically I'm a freak of nature. But today I have some commentary on musicals that was worked up in my theatre lit class after discussing West Side Story.

First off, let me just say that when you break down this musical and take a deep look at it, it is truely amazing! Before performing it i never really looked at it very closely or anaylsised it at all, so to me it was just one of those classics...but after seeing how amazing and meaningful it was and still is i have so much more respect for it and consider it one of my favorite musicals of all time. The music, the importance of the choreography, and the touching yet terrifying plot work together to create a great show.


Some people in class today did not agree with me that WSS is as influental as i think it is (and i can go into details on all that later) but there are some basic assumptions that continue to prevail in my class and whenever i seem to mention im a musical lover to anyone.

First of all there's the ever so popular comment "It's so stupid that they just randomly start singing all the time...there's not point...just say what you have to say a get off stage!"
My comments to that could last for years...but i will just share a few:
-theatre=willing suspension of disbelief....you have to coming in knowing somethings are going to be out there, strange, or not something you see everyday....it's called art! you watch violent movies where people are glorified for killing innocent people...that doesnt happen everyday...but you accept that! why is singing so crazy? i think we should sing more in our everyday lives anyways!
-song expresses the emotions and inner feelings that there are not words for. idk about you but when i am thinking to myself...i have a soundtrack in my head that accompanies it and i sing in my head...even if that is a bit extreme...i knwo we all had the songs we like to hear when we are sad, or mad or excited. life wouldnt have meaning without music. there is underlying music in most movies that intensifies a scene. and many songs when they are spoken just do not trigger the emotion we want from them...music is one of the greatest things on this earth...do not bash it!
-music is so much more though provoking and talented then some of the other crap people watch...

my next beef is that on dance in musicals...

musicals equal...acting, singing and DANCING!!!! yes there are some great musicals without dance...but if dance is intended then LEAVE IT IN!!! I truely dont understand why people hate watching dance so much...it is such an amazing art form and im not just saying that because i am a dancer. the things that professional dancer do with their bodies is just incredible and the thought that with dance (and i guess acting and even singing) is an art form that is never the same each time you see it just amazes me. So when directors get it in their heads that the audience cannot handle a long production they always cut dance...they also think most audiences hate dance numbers...and i say fuck that...they will just have to deal with it and open their minds alittle bit to this art form. i will give you that some show jsut put in dance to dance...which can be annoying...but show like west side story have dance number to prove a point and enhance the theme of the production. wss original director was a choreographer...so the dances written into the original script are there for a reason! THEY ARE IMPORTANT! and it is disappointing that many of them were cut. every musical ive ever been in dance has been cut...and that is so dissappointing and frusterating. when i become a high school director i am going to force my kids to dance...they will take classes even if i have to teach them! and they will learn to like and appreciate it!!!! because im sick people hating dance! its not fair!

so now ive wasted a ton of time....

i have more...maybe ill type later

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